I Was Asleep at the Wheel (A Ragtime Oddity)
A solitary trooper
Was cruising one fine day
And saw a driver pitch
Headlong into a ditch;
The cop investigated
And to his great surprise
The driver smiled—
He wasn’t riled—
He said, and blinked his eyes:
“I’m not drunk—
I was asleep at the wheel;
Like any other chap
I enjoy a gentle nap;
Please let me rest a moment—
I just ate a heavy meal;
But I’m okay to drive—
Look—see—I’m still alive;
I was just asleep at the wheel.”
The trooper took the driver
Before the magistrate,
And each explained the case
Right to the judge’s face;
The judge was very quiet
But soon said, “Case dismissed!”
The cop, in pain,
Said, “Please explain—”
The judge said, “Here’s the gist:
“I’m not drunk—
I was asleep at the wheel—
But everybody knows
There is nothing like a doze;
Please give me five more minutes
And then file for an appeal;
Yet if the truth be known
This man is not alone—
I was just asleep at the wheel.”
The nation was in shambles
The cities were in flames—
The races were at odds
As were various jihads;
The presidential temper
Was eerily serene—
The nation’s head
Got out of bed
At last, to intervene:
“I’m not drunk—
I was asleep at the wheel;
I hope you will excuse
My tendency to snooze;
I just need a little longer
To be on an even keel—
Another month or two
And I will see you through—
I was just asleep at the wheel.”
The situation worsened:
The whole world was at war—
From cities and from farms
All hands were called to arms;
At last they sent a spaceship
To Heaven, to see God—
A space crusade
To seek His aid—
But His response was odd:
“I’m not drunk—
I was asleep at the wheel;
A race so uninspired—
You can even make Me tired;
Give Me a millennium
Maybe then we’ll make a deal;
Until then do your best—
Please let Me get some rest—
I was just asleep at the wheel.”
—Andy Senior (Jan. 18, 1993)
Online Only
For Online Only Access without delivery of the print paper sign up below.
Subscription Options
Print Edition
If you'd like the PRINT EDITION, (12 monthly issues) use the following PayPal link. After your payment is complete you will be allowed to create an online account. You will receive the next mailed copy, usually shipping around the 22nd of the month. See a PDF Sample Here.