I Was Asleep at the Wheel (A Ragtime Oddity)

A solitary trooper Was cruising one fine day And saw a driver pitch Headlong into a ditch; The cop investigated And to his great surprise The driver smiled— He wasn’t riled— He said, and blinked his eyes: “I’m not drunk— I was asleep at the wheel; Like any other chap I enjoy a gentle nap; Please let me rest a moment— I just ate a heavy meal; But I’m okay to drive— Look—see—I’m still alive; I was just asleep at the wheel.” The trooper took the driver Before the magistrate, And each explained the case Right to the judge’s face; The judge was very quiet But soon said, “Case dismissed!” The cop, in pain, Said, “Please explain—” The judge said, “Here’s the gist: “I’m not drunk— I was asleep at the wheel— But everybody knows There is nothing like a doze; Please give me five more minutes And then file for an appeal; Yet if the truth be known This man is not alone— I was just asleep at the wheel.” The nation was in shambles The cities were in flames— The races were at odds As were various jihads; The presidential temper Was eerily serene— The nation’s head Got out of bed At last, to intervene: “I’m not drunk— I was asleep at the wheel; I hope you will excuse My tendency to snooze; I just need a little longer To be on an even keel— Another month or two And I will se