Are you a working musician, but are tired of waiting for the phone to ring for more gigs? Are you constantly looking at band line-ups and saying to yourself “I should be playing in that band?”
We all know that important rule in music: if you practice more and become a better musician, you’ll eventually get the gig. Ha! That’s the deluded answer of the hard-working fool. Practicing is for losers. Winners are too smart to put in any real effort.
If you really want to be the busiest cat in town but don’t know how to get started, here’s The Professor’s guide to hustling gigs.
1. Start a rumor. If you want to get rid of the guy who’s doing the gig that you want, there’s nothing more effective than an unsubstantiated rumor to ruin a good reputation. This will be bad for them, but will provide you with great new career opportunities. Here’s how you do it. Pick a combination of the following and spread by word of mouth: “Did you hear that he punched/slept with/broke/set fire to—the bandleader’s —car/girlfriend/mother/dog/bank account?” Of course the guy will deny it, but musicians are more gossipy that a gaggle of 1950s housewives. So just sit back and wait for that phone to ring.
2. Vibe the guy while he’s on the gig. A personal touch can be most effective when kickstarting your career. Simply turn up to the gig you want to be on, and stand directl
