What goes around comes around—usually on Thursday.

Every advance in technology is just a new way for people to talk dirty to each other.

Some days I feel so antisocial that I don’t even want to talk to myself.

Attribution is the highest form of flattery.

Once the novelty wears off, cleverness tends to be perceived as an affront.

When I say “I have a book in me” it makes me sound like a constipated termite.

We are an essentially puritanical nation that occasionally lapses into bawdy degeneracy. Or is that the other way around?

If you see Evil dancing with Stupidity, don’t offer to cut in.
The history of American radio may be summed up in one line: George Gershwin for Feen-a-mint.

Why don’t my blessings ever take off their damn disguises?

I changed my mind once and got a worse one.

Anyone who says, “No man is an island” just hasn’t burned enough bridges.

When life gives you lemons, why affect surprise?

Misery loves company so much it takes hostages.

Remorse is a dish best served cold—with a side of correction fluid.

It’s all Treasure! It’s all Trash!

“Did you ever pour glue on a bird?” – George Carlin

Everyone is commanded to be a data processor.

Rigor mortis is confirmed writer’s block.
There’s a broken light for every heart on Broadway.

I know it’s all a rat race but I always bet on the wrong rat.

I can’t bring myself to trust anyone who is terribly lovable.

Most of what we call Progress is actually Duress.

What is History but the Petrified Forest of Falsehood?

Most people are only as compassionate as their personal taste will allow.

Everybody thinks it would be cool to be a pirate until they meet an actual pirate.

Conviviality is confirmed desperation.

God save me from magical thinking!

“You don’t have to get it to dig it.” – A. S.