Vice Squad (Poem)

The joy in my moderation is so intense That I can hardly keep from smiling. I have succeeded in defeating temptation By boring it to death. The seven deadly sins have fled me, screaming, Seeking likelier prey. I have retained a taint of smugness, for color, And I'm sure God would forgive me If I could manage to attract His attention. I gave up drinking Because too much beer might make me chortle, Which is distasteful. I no longer eat meat because meat is murder Nor will I pillage our brother-slaves, the vegetables— For lasting sustenance I suck flavorful stones. I do not waste: I consume more garbage than I produce And I recycle things before I use them. I practice perfect chastity: I keep my corrosive body fluids to myself And will not hold hands even on the internet. I do not make any sudden motion, Lest I disturb some delicate, hitherto-undiscovered system. I have achieved a stillness so profound That birds land on me, and maggots are confused. I have given all to the poor, so that they are all richer than me. A homeless man came up to me and asked if I had anything to give him. “Yes,” I said. “A flawless example of human virtue.” He bit me! “Could use some salt,” he said, and walked away. —Andy Senior