Ellisons Make Takeover Bid For TST, Editorial Changes Planned

Media moguls Larry and David Ellison, well-known for their recent acquisition of Paramount and planned takeover of Warner Bros., have made a bid to acquire The Syncopated Times, according to a preliminary press statement issued by Minor Acquisitions Officer Alex Schimpf.

The statement reads, in part, “We’ve sensed that all is not well in the Syncopated Paradise. There’s blood in the water, and every indication is that the founder is floundering. (Or is it that ‘the flounder is foundering?’ I can never get those guys straight.)”

Schimpf goes on to say, “The Syncopated Times is not the sort of property that we usually set our sights on. We’ve been largely occupied with conducting major deals covering much of the acreage in the national media landscape. In the grand scheme of things, TST is a small but persistent irritant. It resolutely refuses to sing harmoniously with the choir in a new world demanding unison and consonance. It’s like when someone is cutting your lawn and you notice that he keeps missing that one blade of grass that sticks up, and you have to fire him.”

Schimpf suggests that changes will be made immediately once the Ellisons take over. “For one thing, every job that is now being done sloppily by a tired and obviously unwell editor can be done much more cheaply and efficiently with AI. Our tech partners are in the process of developing Syncopator, a large-language chatbot designed specifically to generate data relating to jazz and ragtime. Syncopator can also lay out each issue without having a monthly nervous breakdown, which we see as a major improvement. Will there be factual hallucinations? Certainly. But the paper will look a hell of a lot better with a machine doing it.”

Images will be artificially generated as well, based on every jazz photo online. “Only a real stickler will complain that Louie Armstrong didn’t play the clarinet and that he didn’t look like What’s-his-name, that other famous jazz guy. So what? Nobody cares about that stuff, anyway. What we aim for is a less prickly, more congenial editorial policy, with an eventual shift of focus to Smooth Jazz.”

A decisive takeover bid is likely to be tendered by the first of this month. In a counter to an initial bid tendered by Lachlan Murdoch’s News Corp, estimates for the Ellisons’ offer are speculated to reach the high three figures.

“I see us going seven, eight hundred, tops,” admitted Schimpf. “If I’m feeling generous—which I’m not—maybe eight-fifty. But jazz? Are you freaking kidding me?” – from staff reports